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I think my relationship is over. Because I can't handle being with an alcoholic and he can't handle being without a drink. We broke up a few weeks ago and decided to give it another go. But his virsion of giving it another go was drinking every night and my version was pretending it didn't still upset me. Last night when I got home from work I could see that he was drunk by the way he was standing on the party deck having a smoke. I totally broke inside. I had asked him the night before not to drink this weekend because I was feeling really sick and didn't want to deal with a drunk boyfriend on top of everything. But as usually in our relationship, alcohols call was stronger. He got upset that I was upset about his drinking and told me if he needs to quit drinking I need to quit eating. Which is fair enough. I have put on more than quite a bit of weight. But because this statement didn't seem to upset me as much as he expected he went on to say, " you want a baby but you constantly endulge in fatty foods, which will kill our child inutero with gestational diabeties"
He then stood up and exclaimed that he only wished to be loved for who he was. It's a horrible thing when who you love thinks they are what they drink.

one night stand

I had my first one night stand on thursday. Though he called me up and we hung out again on the saturday. I don't know him. I feel anxious about the whole thing. Ahhhh.
This is why I have never done it before. I knew I would feel like this. Gosh I am such a loser head.

I don't want to be an Island.

Sometimes when I am driving I fantasize about plowing into various poles/trees/concrete barriers. I don't really know what I am doing in life, I am walking around with aimless purpose.
I was directing my friend around a hospital the other day, getting us lost, looking like I knew where I was going.
That's how I live, completely lost, with an air of controlled direction.
I think about suicide a lot. I think about whether or not it's the new natural death. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I am 25 and still blundering along. I have been back from Sydney for 6 years, I have nothing to show for it, perhaps even less.
I have this romantic idea of the future, I think that maybe shit will work out. I am proven delusional in so many other areas of my life that I feel this too is a delusion.
I want to be here for tomorrow, if it's better. If not, I just want to sleep. Put me out of my misery while I sleep.
I'll never be able to hold any type of normal relationship, I hate myself to much, despise my disgusting body, and I refuse to trust anyone.
Can you hear that?
It's Valentines day screaming " YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE"
Dear World,

Why is it so hard to find a weekend job?


Jan. 24th, 2010

Due to the way a friend handled getting her heart broken tonight, it has inspired me to take a deep breath and move on. Being single isn't bad sulking isn't helping me move forward in life.
I just applied for a Bachelor of Science...so I can bridge to Veterinary science.
I have wanted this forever but felt to scared.
I hope it works out.
You guys know how I did the celibate sarah thing earlier in the year? I am thinking of trying to get a date a week/ two weeks and starting a blog about my dating experiences...would you read something like that?

Jun. 16th, 2009

This is a link to the RSS feed of my new blog
You can just add it as a friend and it will show up on your friends page



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