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hey guys, I this has got to be my briefest stint in a blog yet. I have decided to move over to http://artistsarahmorgan.blogspot.com/ . Only because I decided to gather all the blogs I could find, from all the blogs I have made over the years and put them into one place. I'm not really sure what I will do with it yet. I want to write more. I am afraid of being sent away for my rambles, but here is to trying.

Universal artistry

I have leant over the past semester, that my ultimate aim, as an artist, sadly, is not world peace. I am consumed with myself, My identity, My past, My future, and My life. I am a little curious about you, the person standing near me, the person who has thoughts I can never know, the person leading a life which I could never live. I’m not you. I am only interested in you, because you affect me. I am self obsessed, self deprecating and narcissistic. As I reviewed the artists that linger in my mind, from short obsessions, brief encounters of their work at a gallery or while link hoping on Google, looking for something too make my jaw drop and eyes widen. I noticed a theme that shocked me, self exploration…self obsession. I paused, not wanting to see the truth. I liked those who were self obsessed, they made my own self obsession…less…selfish. When I look at Tracey Emins’ tent, I first think about the people that have shared an experience with her, then I think “why is she telling us about this?”. She isn’t trying to cure cancer with art, she isn’t preaching about starving children or trying to stop war, she’s letting us look, letting us judge, she wants us to love her. Perhaps not love, but no one wants to be hated so it lends me to believe the extreme opposite. I want what she wants, it’s not your love, but its not your hate, I want you to know me, I want me to matter. Not just my name, everything, my thoughts, my life, my face and works.

University is opening my mind in a way I doubt I will come to terms with for a good while. I feel lost a lot. More then that I am feeling empowered, I feel fantastic every time I walk into a lecture theatre and see 50 or more people all confirming my own life's aim. They think being an artist is worth while, they think it's so worth while that they are coming to this lecture theatre to sit with me, while we listen to the lecturer. I have found that its not even just listening to a lecturer your doing, its arguing with them, albeit silent in your head fights, but you push what they say, you question, you engage and you leave feeling better.

I have the most fabulous modernism teacher, she is brilliant, she makes me excited about art, the way you felt about Santa as your parents tried to get you too sleep the night before Christmas.

My studio lecture, was also my tutor, I couldn't be more grateful for this. He was so brilliant with me, that I couldn't trust it at first. Every hoop I put before him he didn't even see as a hoop and carried on carrying on. He is a brilliant motivator.

I am excited about my life.
And scared, I am finding it hard to get out of shit creek, problem after problem, solutions also seem to be a problem in some cases.

Suicide, suicide, suicide. I'd never do it, I tell myself. Its the first thing I think about when everything is bad though, its the easy fix, the unknown, the point of no return. I don't want death, I just want difference.

I wanted to have been aborted, that's absurd, because as soon as I commit to that thought, its nothing like what I want.

I want it easy, I want it now.

That's the truth of this situation isn't it? I find it so hard to not expect something from this world, after all its unleashed on me. In reality I have to suck it up, I am one of the lucky.
I worked in the Deli of cole's last night. Which was awesome. 7 and half hours went so fast.

I had two funny moments with customers.

Funny 1.

A guy comes up wanting $7 worth of prawns.

The guy: Can T get $7 worth of the prawns please.

Me: Sure, they really are a bargain aren't they. $10 a kilo, can't get better then that for these tasty creatures (yes I am really this cliche at work, helps me get through the shift)

The guy: Look love, I am homeless, and pretty drunk right now but... I would like to take you on a date.

He then repeated this sentence louder as I had politely decided to pretend that I had not heard it.

I kinda just blushed and handed him the prawns. I didn't know how to respond really.

Funny 2.

A guy who was also buying prawns and I were chatting about uni assignment problems and general uni is crap but also awesome type things. As he went to walk off he said "sweet dreams" instead of good bye. Then I replied "you too" automatically. Then we both kinda laughed turned around and bolted in different directions.


I deleted and blocked Scott from MSN today. I haven't talked to him in a few days but his continual leering presence on my MSN was annoying me. I kept thinking your never going to speak to him again yet there he is Online as usual, what are you getting from seeing this? I was getting the fact that he hadn't blocked me yet I guess. I didn't want him to block me, yet I didn't want to talk to him. Today I just thought fuck this, monitoring whether or don't he blocks me is so not healthy in anyway shape or form, fucking delete and block him you crazy stalking ex girlfriend. Then I promptly did. I will hope to delete his phone number shortly. Small steps....small steps.

On another front though, there is this boy at cole's *girly giggle and hair in hand twirl* he intrigues me. i am not sure why. He is handsome. shyish and well intriguing. I have noticed him a bit in the last two weeks, he has been through my register a bit, then yesterday I served him in the deli. I can't remember what we talked about but he ends all sentences with this cute shy smile. then last night he let me out because he has the code. All of this really means nothing between the boy and I. It means a lot for me though. I think I might genuinely be attracted to him. Which is awesome because it shows I am getting over Scott the loser. I am definitely not feeling in love with Scott anymore.


Also I wanted to dedicate this to Scott. It kinda replicates the beginning of our relationship. :P

Dear father its been two days since my last post, I really wanted to post everyday and I have already failed
Father:repent child, say 839 hail Marys' and post, post haste.

I have had my face smothered in alginate the other day. The first try was traumatic but the second go succeeded. Cameron and my sister took some footage...I have no idea how to upload that footage. I am a huge DV noob.

i hung out with my family for way to long, I don't think i will do that again for months.

I got a new brown leather watch and I am quite in love with it, even it it was the worlds most stupid purchase and I can't afford it.

I really love my flat mates, I fell off the don't talk to Andy wagon, he had just had surgery and was feeling lonely so he wanted me to hang out with him. Yes Andy is really this selfish, regardless of how much this set me back with getting over him didn't really come into his mind I guess.
Anyway my flatmate stone went nuts at me which was a little hard to handle at first but I know its coming from love. This Andy saga has gone on to long. Stone rang Andy and told him he was to have no contact with me again. Even if i was the one doing the contacting. Stone will actually be physically violent towards Andy if i see him again Which I laughed out at first because it seemed absurd but the look in stones face after I laughed shut me the hell up.
I told stone that I think that i might hate him if he calls Andy and after he called andy he went to his room and didn't talk to me and I went to my room. Then Ruby my other flatmate who is dating Stone told me he was crying so I went upstairs hugged him and thanked him for being such a good friend.

Then we just talked about lots of stuff. It really is time for Andy to be gone from my life, and obviously I have to many feelings to do it myself, and Andy needs sex sometimes and knows I am a willing candidate to receive his faulty goods.

Hooray! for awesome friends.

Its time I find a man who is worthy of my awesomeness, and sex-drive.

Apr. 12th, 2009

I am hopeing to be able to replicate a smile from myself using alginate.
This video gives me all kinds of hope.


Not much happened today. I went to dads for tenpenyaki. Andy Informed me we could be friends but we're no longer able to sleep together. He is in search of a girl to be with long term and doesn't want the complications of ex sex. bleh. i have realised my inability to connect with other males is a symptom of not being over Andy so its for the best he has called off sleeping together I guess. i need to move on. Its just hard when you feel so physicaly comfortable with someone. I am sure I will have that with others I guess.



Sometime I just need to share.



I am doing some casting of my face this week so I have been youtubeing like it ain't no thang. I found so many awesome informational videos, I love that I live in an age that any idea I have I can google it and learn. Anyway I found this video amusing. I could be because its 1am or it could be because it is indeed amusing. You decide.
I just had a cry at Uni. I got my marks back and found I had only achieved a credit. Both my study partners achieved distinction. i feel like a big dumb loser head. Its so annoying. This is why I never try hard because even my best sucks. GAH.
I found the tutors critique totally bullshit, he had said it was fine except for  the headings, actually he had said it was GREAT except for the headings. I modified the headings to fit my text more accurately and low and behold I pretty much failed. I worked two weeks straight on it. I sent it to different people and had them critique it, then I worked on it even more.

He said that he thought my text emphasis was obscure...yeah, well,  he is obscure, oh yeah I went there! This is so bullshit. I am so upset.
I went to him several times for help, all I got was positive feedback. If he had the balls to give the negative feedback before result comments, I could have pulled a distinction. I feel so let down. More I feel like an idiot though, because my study mates got distinctions, they are all happy and laughing and then I burst into tears. I feel bad because its not like I failed or just got a pass. Its just that I worked so fucking hard on this, I just wanted more. I ripped up my marks like a tantrum throwing primary schooler. I'm such an idiot!

I fucked up the referencing for my modernism assignment, so I am waiting with baited breath on that. I am hoping to not fail but I am feeling even less hopeful after these marks.

Gah.

Fuck.

I am too emotional for grades. I hate being told I'm average. Even if its true, its not nice to hear. I want to be a unique genius, not a scrubber.
Breakfast:
a dieting soup

Between breakfast and dinner:
cashew nuts
chocolate bullets
4 marinated mussels
Light Yogurt

Dinner:
2 sausages
small potato
peas and beans 
slice of multi grain bread

I finally went through the blackboard site for uni and wrote all my assessment due dates down in list format. 11 things in 13 weeks. I have submitted 3 things, 1 more thing to submit next week then 7 things due in the 5 weeks left of uni. I am enjoying uni but its moving so fast. I have everything crossed, in hope that I make it through this semester, then I will somehow work out a strategy  in order to not feel as all over the place as  this semester has me feeling.

I had a break through with the "Andy" mold today. I slowly wriggled out the slip and got a perfect cast out...nose included. I'm going to sand the bits causing me trouble down and re-cast it. I have many artistic ideas going on. "Latex losers" may become a series, I will try and finish "fuck your a pussy" in the next few weeks though. I suggest to everyone that if you wish to date me and be a pathetic cheating loser...don't let me take a cast of your face. I am vindictive and can absolutely not be trusted. In other ,this perfect cast has made my spirits soar, the constant problem with the nose ripping off was starting to really get me, especially since I can't say

"Hey Andy, you know how you're a huge fucking prick who broke my heart?"
"Yes, whats up" he'd reply.
"Just wondering if I could re-cast your face, I will be doing a few sculptures of you having a huge vagina instead of a nose, and I am also thinking of making you suck dick...is that ok?"
"Sure, I'll just lie down and take it, after all I deserve it" he would gleefully express.

So as you can see, I day dream to much.

I am looking into latex but all I can find is liquid latex, i will get some and see how it goes its ment for making molds though, not for casting.

ok I think that's enough.

Smorgan

short for Smoking Morgan the sexy from sex town.

Apr. 7th, 2009

Three nights ago I had an awful dream about a few friends I haven't been seeing as much as I use to.  They asked me to hang out but I had other stuff on and said I would meet them later.
Later came and I was walking through the bush to meet them in the agreed cave. (what the hell!)
I get to the cave and all my friends have committed suicide, they had made australians poisonous animals bite them.
It was horrible I felt so helpless, i knew that if I had met with them earlier they would be alive.
It was like they were teaching me a lesson.
I went to one of my friends mum to tell her that her daughter had killed herself with a brown snake and she didn't care she was just trying to get me out of the house.
I kept screaming and crying till I woke up with the most destroying of all headaches.


Two nights ago I had a dream that my mother was a piece of lasagna. She was in a microwave and I had a sausage roll, so I put the sausage roll in with her and turned it on.  She was making all these faces at me which my mother does sometimes so I laughed because I thought she was just trying to make me laugh. The microwave stopped and I grabbed my mother out and went to talk to her but she wasn't responding, then it dawned on me I had just microwaved my mother to death, those faces she was making were trying to tell me she was dying.
I felt so horrible and I didn't know what to do know one was taking me seriously because my mother was lasagna.  I was inheriting the house and all this money from her, all I wanted to do what go to jail though. I had just killed my mother, and it was destroying me. Even if she was a lasagna


Last night I had a dream that I finally gave in and rang "Andy". I told him how much I missed him and asked him to take me back. He said, Uh ok, but look you can't actually be in my life, because I like this girl at  the clinic and she seems to like me so yeah, I'll fuck you but that's it. And I was happy with that, I was happy as long as we still had something even if that something was just an emotionally void physical thing.
I woke up feeling fucked about this dream, I couldn't believe I would through all my dignity away for this guy. He isn't all that good at all, the sex we had wasn't even that good, his philosophy on sex was "work her till she's wet then use her to get off". It wasn't all like that, but the majority was. My want of him is just because he made me feel physically comfortable. Something I have never felt previously, however I feel that had little to do with him and more to do with my love for him. A love that compelled me to just give everything. I should probably hold back a little next time.

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