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I don't want to be an Island.

Sometimes when I am driving I fantasize about plowing into various poles/trees/concrete barriers. I don't really know what I am doing in life, I am walking around with aimless purpose.
I was directing my friend around a hospital the other day, getting us lost, looking like I knew where I was going.
That's how I live, completely lost, with an air of controlled direction.
I think about suicide a lot. I think about whether or not it's the new natural death. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I am 25 and still blundering along. I have been back from Sydney for 6 years, I have nothing to show for it, perhaps even less.
I have this romantic idea of the future, I think that maybe shit will work out. I am proven delusional in so many other areas of my life that I feel this too is a delusion.
I want to be here for tomorrow, if it's better. If not, I just want to sleep. Put me out of my misery while I sleep.
I'll never be able to hold any type of normal relationship, I hate myself to much, despise my disgusting body, and I refuse to trust anyone.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
mern_pwnz
May. 26th, 2010 04:56 pm (UTC)
thats funny cuz i tend to have the same thoughts of running into trees and poles, and the river and things when iam driving, but the thing is i dont see myself as being suicidal..
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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